Gibberish

The last day of my summers ended yesterday while sitting on top of a double decker bus, watching the sun set and turn the world honey. I used just about every muscle in my body to keep my tear ducts from giving up the silence I had forced them to adhere to this entire weekend.

Now the next four months will go by like a blackout.

While riding home I used some time to reflect on my lack of honesty with myself and others and how the only thing getting me by lately is honesty. Now the more I am honest, the more I see. And within' myself, I am positive that entering Kansas City's skyline, reminded me that my soul entered some kind of prison phase. I came, I tried to rebel, I had to cut my hair, I lived in a cave. I mean, it's classic and all symbolic. *"As the spirit wanes the form appears." It's like I knew I was the kind of person that parents always try to raise you not to be. I am not violent but I am wrapped up in a foggy world only few allow themselves to be a part of. And when I think that I want to succeed like everyone I know, I adhere to a sentence that only I can adhere to. It's a death sentence. It wasn't a mistake, I had reasons. But now I see the last string of it and I do not know what will happen because when I am free, I will be free. It's that simple. Apparently I have some kind of duty that my old self was convinced would solve many of my problems. But they are still here and not subliminal. I've seen what I could become and it has already been done. What the fuck is going on? This is someone's story that isn't mine. This story has been lived. Why should the past repeat itself?

I picked apart my past again. It all makes sense. I picked apart my present. I can see through all of it.

And now for another four months I will fight for my conscience. I have these cards and I have to put others down because I have a gun to my head.

------------

*I think that it's funny that half of my life is all over the country and that somehow I am placed here throwing back java and thinking about Charles Bukowski punching out various men at bars. Thanks Kyle, the Bukowski was good timing. He's the only one who can push me through the next year.