12.31.2009
Don't tell me I'm alive
The whole "You should be happy because at least you're alive" deal never worked well on me. Frankly, I can't imagine this reality to be the best situation in the entire universe and in all of the dimensions there must be. I could try and change my perspective into something that is more "half full" but then I would have to believe that being on Earth at this very moment, typing into this computer, is the best of all possible worlds. Maybe this world is the best of them all, sitting here in this good karma depleted country staring at my faint cellulite? LOL! That would be a lie, wouldn't it? Sure it's better than starving but it's surely not better than being dead. I don't say that because I am suicidal, I say that because there is no way for anyone to know what happens after death. And really, if you want to look at it the way I do sometimes, I am optimistic in the most backwards of ways. I know that there is better than this. It keeps me alive! It keeps me searching! Death, though, well... telling me that I am alive doesn't make me feel any better. It doesn't fill me with vitality. It doesn't get me through the day without thoughts of revolution, or not scowling as I look at my morning hair or tasting that grilled cheese any differently. I know I am alive, folks, and it doesn't make a difference to me. So you don't need to remind me. Just play some Miles Davis and serve me a martini, please.
12.25.2009
Christmas
The one thing I can count on for Christmas is the fact that no one in my family will buy me anything with Andy Warhol print on it.
Merry Christmas, now lets go jump the pope.
Merry Christmas, now lets go jump the pope.
12.17.2009
12.16.2009
12.09.2009
Oh person you thought you'd never be
In the midst of paper writing I decided to look through old journals.
I'm never sure if it's ever the right idea. But sometimes it's a requirement for me to look and see how weird and dumb I was at one point in time to remind myself that I may be doing the same thing six years later unconsciously. I guess it's easier to handle my battles that way, though, these days. I am swamped with life and it seems an utter waste of space in my brain to spare anymore of my sanity on some bad habits I should have left in a high school building, or in Columbia, or in one of those flaxen fields I visited after smoking joint after joint, staring at the river, dreaming up everything in my life.
Come to think of it, I have been missing that lately. I have been missing running out of my house, tying back my hair, lighting up my cigarette and stretching my legs out in the back of my old friend's car before we head off to go smoke a joint by the river. There is nothing more Missouri than that, my friends. It's the part I'd never attempt to run away from. And when autumn came around it was over and I had trouble keeping my hat on my head when the chill winds came. Soon enough all of my innocence was lost in all of those things I swore I'd never grasp. Now I am living in a completely different world. I wake up in the middle of crime on 39th street Kansas City at 3 AM in the morning and watch a homeless man drag his foot down the blizzard sidewalk. I wake up in the morning and embark on the challenge of just getting to a normal destination, like work, or class. I live in this city that isn't a city. It doesn't feel like my city, at least. This city is big enough for people not to be real and it's still small enough to get a taste of real. For me, though, this real is nothing like the real I remember.
If someone asked me three years ago if I would want to turn into this person I would say, "fuck no". Everything was so simple then. I'm not sure if I could go back if I tried. My life was thrown into a garbage disposal. I can't say I blame myself for becoming this person. I can't say I blame myself for becoming the kind of person I hate. Sometimes a person just needs to survive. I knew it would happen sometime. That's what always happens. I saw what they saw and that day it made sense. Now I have the real power to not stay that way. I have the choice. I know the best of both worlds now. I just need the time to sit down for a second and breathe. I just need the time to turn it all around.
I'm never sure if it's ever the right idea. But sometimes it's a requirement for me to look and see how weird and dumb I was at one point in time to remind myself that I may be doing the same thing six years later unconsciously. I guess it's easier to handle my battles that way, though, these days. I am swamped with life and it seems an utter waste of space in my brain to spare anymore of my sanity on some bad habits I should have left in a high school building, or in Columbia, or in one of those flaxen fields I visited after smoking joint after joint, staring at the river, dreaming up everything in my life.
Come to think of it, I have been missing that lately. I have been missing running out of my house, tying back my hair, lighting up my cigarette and stretching my legs out in the back of my old friend's car before we head off to go smoke a joint by the river. There is nothing more Missouri than that, my friends. It's the part I'd never attempt to run away from. And when autumn came around it was over and I had trouble keeping my hat on my head when the chill winds came. Soon enough all of my innocence was lost in all of those things I swore I'd never grasp. Now I am living in a completely different world. I wake up in the middle of crime on 39th street Kansas City at 3 AM in the morning and watch a homeless man drag his foot down the blizzard sidewalk. I wake up in the morning and embark on the challenge of just getting to a normal destination, like work, or class. I live in this city that isn't a city. It doesn't feel like my city, at least. This city is big enough for people not to be real and it's still small enough to get a taste of real. For me, though, this real is nothing like the real I remember.
If someone asked me three years ago if I would want to turn into this person I would say, "fuck no". Everything was so simple then. I'm not sure if I could go back if I tried. My life was thrown into a garbage disposal. I can't say I blame myself for becoming this person. I can't say I blame myself for becoming the kind of person I hate. Sometimes a person just needs to survive. I knew it would happen sometime. That's what always happens. I saw what they saw and that day it made sense. Now I have the real power to not stay that way. I have the choice. I know the best of both worlds now. I just need the time to sit down for a second and breathe. I just need the time to turn it all around.
12.02.2009
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